Blown Away

You know what? I just want to live a life with lesser worries, more comfort, no illness.. and just to be happy. Is it all so difficult? Everyone tells me to stay positive, dun think too much, because there is nothing much that I can do to control it.. But sometimes, when I’m alone, or when I look at it, or when I’m down, I just can’t help but to blame everyone and everything about why this is happening to me. I just feel so disheartened. Fuck. I’m not in control. I’m allowing some fucked up medication to control me. And it is not helping. I just feel so helpless. Everyday, when I pop the pills, I tell myself, I will get better, but day after day, I just see the condition getting worse. And worse…

I’m really feeling so helpless..

Why me? Why out of the blue? What did I do to deserve this?

I know there is no point dwelling on it, feeling sad and unhappy because it ain’t going to help this way. But what can I do? I’d tried means and ways to curb it but to no avail…………….

I just have to pray that one day.. I’ll be free from this torture..

For the past few days, I keep having this image that I’m standing at a cliff, a real high cliff… looking over the horizon, the deep blue sea before my eyes… with the wind blowing… Me taking deep breaths and just feeling the atmosphere……. I believe that somewhere in this world, there exist such a place.. I tell myself, I’m going to work hard and I really do wanna travel around the world… It’ll be my dream to go to this place.. this place which calm me down in my darkest moments…..I just want the wind to blow away all my worries… my illness… my unhappiness…my helplessness….. I just wanna feel peace and calm……

Peace and calm……