the devil in me

I've never feel that anyone really understands me, as a person, since I was young. it is ironic that I don't even know sometimes. the thoughts that run through my head are complex contradicting signals, driven by selfishness, stubbornness and self-centeredness. I hate myself and I don't think I can expect anyone to bear with me. it's just too much for one to go through and undertake.

don't ask me why, cos explaining myself is never my forte

don't ask me how, cos most of the time I don't know either

don't ask me what, cos decision making is my weakness

sometimes I wish that my thoughts can be aired live, out loud, so that people can hear and know the real me. wishes never come true. I believe that perhaps I should live in solitude, for my patience for anything or any human being in this world is just do little. even to my family members. what is wrong with me? why am I such? who am

I?

I'm just the devil in me.

Heartache

Have you ever felt that your heart ache so bad that it hurts? When your heart is in pain, it felt so sour that tears will roll down your cheeks?

I did, I just did........

I told myself that I never wanna feel this way ever again.. Why did it feel so bad. I thought I was strong.. but I am not.. It suddenly felt that this is all just an illusion cos I do not know what do you want. I really don't. Maybe the feeling is mutual, I don't know... All I know is that I am at fault.. It's my bad that I am such a bad person to begin with.. I'm the one who cause all these and hence I'm in no position to have any emotions on this. But I'm sorry, I can't help myself I can't control my heart and my feelings.. I feel that I'm such a loser.. just let me to leave this place.. I really don't wanna go on anymore cos I don't wanna feel all the heartache and the bad emotions.. can I? I can't.. I'm so trapped...

Why?


I'm sorry.

Shooting Stars

Is this a curse? Sometimes you just feel that you are living in a curse, a deadly ring that you can't get out of. Why? Why isn't life beautiful and smooth-sailing as you wish that it would be, why do things happen the way exactly the way you don't want it to be? People always say life is never fair. It never will be. How true. In a blink of an eye, 30 yeras passed. What have I achieved? Wasted time, wasted love, wasted youth, wasted health.. You just so feel like laughing at yourself , laugh at the silliness, laugh at your own stupidity and at the end of it all, you just want to cry, in hope that the tears will wash away everything, incliding the lingering memories that refuse to go away. These memories edged somewhere in a little corner of your brain will just creep out once in a while to invoke the terrible mixed emotions and feeling of sadness, hurt, sorrows and emptiness. Where do I find peace, where do I find solace, where do I find myseflf?


It is such an irony. Life is simply a big irony in itself. Whilst people around you keep telling you that you have to be yourself, be what you want to be and do what you want to do. But the truth and reality is, how often can that be done? Never. You live a life filled with regrets because this life that you live is for someone else, everyone around you, not yourself. Every little move, every word you say, every single action is meant to show someone else, meant to hurt someone else, meant to love someone else, meant to make another person happier, but never yourself.


How do I get out of an all time low? I'm in pieces. I can't even find a place to start. How do I choose between my head and heart. Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky like shooting stars and make a wish, hoping that it will come true?


~You will always be my hero, even though you lost your mind. Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that's alright because I love the way you lie. In this tug of war, you will always win, even though I'm right because I'm sick of these battles.~

This Is It

I knew this would come, long ago.. But when it's here, I really do not know how I should feel. Relieved? Sad? Happy? How shoud I feel?

Thinking back on the journey, I wouldn't say that all is dark and gloomy. There were times when I felt comforted, times when I felt blessed, times when I felt taken care of.. What about now? What about going on from here? Everything in life has to come to an end. I know. How am I going to deal with it?

On the surface, I may be all strong and cool. Deep down I'm just a tormented soul, so void and disturbed.

Look back and realized that all in life is wind and dust that will disappear as memory fades.. So I say life is nothing but a memory lane filled with dust. Every speck of of it tickles your soul, make you feel humane and may be as precious as you want it to be. But when it all settles or blown by the wind, it is just nothing, gone with the wind. How I wish that there will be this gush of wind in my life to blow these away now...

The comfort is I feel I'm getting me, the real me back from this.. the old me.. the attitude ger, the cool icequeen..

Who Am I?

I've made it past the anniversary. Am I happy? Or am I disappointed with myself? Well, at least I'm out of the den, the den which I'd seen evil, and the ugly truth of how human beings can be.

Out of a den, and here I jump into another in the same dessert. Will it be another lion's den? I'd learnt each for your own survival. Trust no one but yourself and think, think, think and think before you do anything or say anything. Say nice and sweet words, you never know when you will eat it. How true.

Life's been a whirlwind recently with many many unhappy events happening. To a point whereby I'm not sure if I can be the self-perceived strong gal who can deal with anything that comes her way. It seems that my world is crumbling down, and I badly need a pillar of strength to hold on to, turning to find none. I began to realize that I had lost many precious things in life, things that I can never get back. Lost moments which can only be re-lived in the deepest of my memory.

Two days ago, a friend told me that regret is the worst emotion that one can go through. Do you think so? I say the feeling of heart ache is the even worse.. It is funny how I can keep encouraging the people around me to be happy and live for the moment when I myself is stucked in the quicksand, slowly drowning. How was I able to do it? I really do not know. Knowing is easy, understanding is an art and applying requires skill.

All I know is I'm really feeling very tired.. Tired of being misunderstood, tired of facing reality, tired of the things happening around me, tired of the people around me, and tired of MYSELF. Tired of how I can be a fool, how I can be silly and not determine. Where has my old self go?

Dead.

Who am I?

A filial daughter? A caring and understanding lover? A loyal friend? A lovely sister? A helpful colleague?

I'm just a selfish bitch.

The Upcoming Anniversary

Turning back the clock to June 2008...

I was a happy girl, waiting anxiously to start my new job and thinking this will probably be the best job in my life (or at least so far). It wasn't long that I begin to see the ugly truth, the ugly politics and start to understand why would they want to employ a person with no relevant relavant in the industry. It's because I am cheap labour. Sometimes I can't help but to compare myself with a bangalah worker. Being cheated into a seemingly good industry, good job, good pay.. but boy I was wrong. But once you step foot into it, there is no turning back. Getting out too fast will not bring me anywhere, getting stuck in the whirlpool is just making me go crazy. The kind of political mind game is just too torturing. And the worst is I am just a small fry. So small that I can't even shout out when I'm being annoyed, feeling injustice or cheated and betrayed. All the work of one woman. Maybe two now, since a year ago when she became honcho of the department.

Don't mess with women. How true.

Over the past few weeks, I had toyed with the idea of moving out of this industry totally. But the devil in me is telling me not to. It's been a dream for me since my school days to be where I am. Now that I am here, I am totally confused. How ironic. People close to me tell me to be grateful that I can land myself a job with no relevant experience. SO don't complain. BUT. The truth is, we are all greedy in nature. We want more, we want everything. Is it wrong? I'm grateful, yes I am indeed grateful for being given this opportunity. But that doesn't mean everything. That doesn't mean that she can toy with me and my feelings and cheat me and test me. Where is the trust between superior and subordinate? None.

I'm so tired. Tired of thinking and being reminded that I am some cheap labour that is being exploited of.

Where do I go from here? Will I stay till the upcoming anniversary?

The Truth

I have a friend. Let’s call her A.

I have another friend (or not so friend, friend). Let’s call her B.

And I have another friend A’s good friend (whom I’d seen once or twice). Let’s call her C.

The thing is I just realized after reading friend B’s blog, that she knew C, whom is my friend A’s good friend.

Complicated?? Not quite, it’s just that the world is too small.

From this blog-surfing activity, I chanced upon friend A’s blog. Knowing her for so so long, like say 14 years, my impression of her, especially in the later years is one whom is so loved by her other friends, always full of activities and programs, never short of entertainment and so carefree. Worries to her will be gone with a shrug of her shoulders saying ‘wadever’. Little do I know that deep down this character is someone quite the opposite of what she portrayed herself to be.

It sets me thinking, and feeling a little bit sad … I really can’t think of a word to really describe the feeling as I was reading through her blog entries. At the end of the session, I asked myself, is she the friend A I knew all along? Amidst the loneliness and the mounting pressure coupled with too much worries day in day out, she still smiles and jokes every time she sees us (her not so close friends).

It is scary. Indeed.

Who are your true friends? Who behaves truly in front of you? Most important of all, are you true to yourself?

Who are you?
You are yourself, ONLY when you are ALONE, alone in your own world.