~Day By Day~

Day By Day…….. Am I getting stronger? Or weaker?

Day By Day…….. Am I beginning to feel the immense pressure of living? Or simply relaxing?

Day By Day…….. Am I still the same old me? Or have I morphed into another person?

Day By Day…….. Am I moving forward? Or backwards?

Day By Day…….. I just allow each Day to Pass me By……….

Day By Day…….. I’m Losing Myself


Sometimes I wonder if things are really fated to happen or not happen. Seriously wonder. It sets me thinking of chain of events that had happened in my life and all the ‘what if’ questions that I ask myself if these had not happened.

Sometimes I just choose to ignore.

Sometimes it came back and haunt me more than ever.

Sometimes I just feel so weak……..

Sometimes I just had to let it go………..

Whatever it is, I keep reminding myself that I shouldn’t allow unhappy things or events to bother me. I’m trying. Trying hard.


"Day By Day, I Slide Away
Day By Day, I Pray Again
Day By Day, I Hide Away
Day By Day, I Fade Away…….."

Something to Think About.....

There is Always a Morbid Contest in the Soul, a Struggle Between the Loathing and the Need, Between the Darkness and the Light.

How true this sentence is. There’s always this struggle within you, of what you want to do, and what you need to do. So many decisions you got to make in life. Which is ultimately the right one? God knows. More often than not, you will never know what is he right choice until you make a wrong one. So, the moral of the story is to FUCK it all, SUCK it up and take things one at a time.

We are not superman or superwoman. Please, for Christ’s sake. There is just so much one can do. Why make it so difficult? It is always so contradicting. Hai…………

~Make your choice~

Patience

Many people said that patience is a virtue, indeed it is. But how many people out there possess this valuable component, which in this society is so important now? When temper flares, it is never a heart-warming sight. More often than not, the receiving party gets hurt and relationships are strained. Whether it is boss/subordinate, bf/gf, mother/daughter, father/son, siblings, friends……… the end result: an emotional barrier that will be stucked somewhere deep in your heart. That’s when you bear grudges against one another. It’s hard not to. You can forgive but you will never forget.

There was once, someone asked me this: “if this world is so peaceful, life will be so predictable, and thus, wouldn’t it be very boring?” I was stunned for a moment. In fact, if you were to think deeper into it, it does make a little sense. Everything happen for a reason. And most probably the reason is for you to learn, to know and accept the difference between right and wrong, yes and no. Accept is the key word. By knowing is not enough. You have to accept it. Fuck it. Life sux. I just cannot comprehend why things have to happen in a certain way. To me, it is simple. Live life simply, do not cause trouble to others and just be yourself. Sounds simple enough? But many people out there just cannot accept or take my straightforwardness. Too bad, people. At one point in my life, I felt that I am living my life for others and not myself, although sometimes, I still feel this way, I had learnt to let go a little and convince my little heart and brain that I have to stay steadfast to my thoughts and beliefs as well. I cannot expect the world to believe what I believe in, to think the way I think, to agree with whatever I say or do. Again, too bad, people. I have my life and I live my life, the way I want it. Like it or not.

I have this colleague who made me see that by accepting whatever shit that is being thrown in your face direct is definitely not the way to go. You are just being bullied. No one is going to pity you or say that, wa you are super tolerant and nice. Most likely, you’ll be labeled as stupid, doesn’t have a mind of your own or simply, a lackey, an idiot. The more I see her ‘accepting’ the crazy nonsense that she’s getting, the more I feel that I should stand up for my rights. BUT, I’m always being misunderstood as being the rebellious one, the stubborn one. Is it wrong to just stand up for what is logical? And I believe that every 3 year old kid will agree with me. It is about human relationship. About how you treat one another. Whether you are in a foul mood or what, not unless it is that person who made you pissed, I strongly feel that you shouldn’t take it out on others. Even if you had accidentally done so, come on, be gracious and apologize. It is not the end of the world. Given that indeed it is the end of the world, the more you should apologize, for you will never have a chance to do it again. Not unless you want to die with regrets. But FUCK. There are just so many BUTS. If everyone can control their emotions this well, life would be so so much better. It just sucked to know that it doesn’t happen this way.

Dilemma……………….

State of Uncertainty or Perplexity Especially As Requiring a Choice Between Equally Unfavorable/ Favorable Options

Decision……….

The Act of Reaching a Conclusion Or Making Up One’s Mind

Why am I always in a dilemmatic situation? Why is it so hard to make a decision? The fear of getting it wrong? The fear of losing face? The fear of losing? The fear of WHAT? Fear is always present in one’s heart. Question is how much, the degree of fear that is affecting you and whether you can overcome the fear… It’s hard. It is never easy. When is it ever easy? It is a big step forward, probably backwards…… I duno.. I’m lost yet again.

~Memories~

Finally, another week had past. It’s Friday!!! Time really flies… It’s like half of year 2006 had passed.. It’s July already people… before you know it, it’ll be Xmas.

Was on the Suntec bus this morning and a lot of memories flood my mind about my stint at foolish xelox..

• countless lunches at Marina Square food court
• whiteboard recording our collections
• quote of the day written by the head of the dept on the whiteboardmoving office
• throwing of the dustiest things/documents accumulated for years
• packing
• shifting to the new and fresh premise
• having new tables, chairs and LCD MONITORS
• BKK trip
• countless irritating and boh liao meetings with the big boss
• ‘I hate you, you hate me’ politics in office
• those fuckers (customers) who had given me hell every month..
• monthly ‘chao keng lying sessions’ with the big boss to ‘sian’ about collection figures
• bad ‘weather’ those stormy days where the big boss barked non stop
• ‘I duno wad to eat’ complains from xh
• and many many more……………………………………………………..

Well I should say that I had my fair share of fun there but also many many many complains about the workplace.. Everywhere is the same I guess.. it’s just the degree of severity and what the complain is about.. about boss? Abut nature of work? About colleagues? It’s a little of everything. Some people say it’s a challenge but some just cannot handle all these unnecessary stress……. I’m learning and I hope that I can do it! To (be)

• Patient
• Impartial
• Have less complains
• More quiet at work
• More focus

Today, there’s a company event… and guess what.. the most boh liao game ever invented… BOWLING……. And to top it off, I din’t enjoy it at all….. there’s a competition and 5 members a team…. And my team is the ‘make the most noise’ about the event/game long b4 today.. and everyone thought how good we can play.. Boy oh boy, they are all wrong!!!!! We were lousy, absolutely no team spirit and not co-operative at all!! I’m actually very disappointed….. there are 2 games to be played and the best of the average score per team will win… the first the rest of the team members played like shit…. Having scores like 34, 40+ 70+… Seriously speaking, even if we dun win the competition it’s ok you know, afterall we are there to mingle and better any relationship/team bonding… but after the lousy first game.. my team members kinda lose faith and anyhow play….. they went over to the next lane to play leisure and only return to the competition lane when it’s their turn to throw the bloody ball.. and aunty me have to sit alone at the competition lane and keep a look out for them to see if it’s their turn and call them… mind you we are sharing lanes with another team.. and they have to wait for us to go ahead before they get their turns……………. I just feel that come on lor, knowing that we had lost but still there should be team spirit.. No cheers no support no nothing.. and they play better at the leisure lanes!! Du lan!!!! 2 frames into the 2nd game, I was already praying that this better end soon….. it’s a torture to play lor……………. But this bowling again reminded me of my ex company.. there was this similar event before.. went bowling too.. but I think I dint play.. I just had a vague memory of it… to come and think of it, Fireburn, I think we made a right choice last time by not playing! Why be clowns and let others laugh and something to say about you??? Actually this time round, I already opt not to attend the event, but guess what, my Clown Boss ORDERED me and Hunch to go. So lan-lan we have to OBEY his instructions and go………….. already an unwilling party and in the end the stupid gam turned out like that…. What a let down.. End of the day? Consolation price… S$30 stinking vouchers to be shared among 5 people…………….. waste time………….. should have stayed steadfast about not going………….

Anyway it’s over.. no point dwelling how much time I had wasted.. on a Friday night…..

Hmmmmm… so tired.. yearning for more sleep everyday… never get enough of it…….. but happy that I can sleep late tomolo.. Yipee!!

BUT

My rashes on my limbs are not getting any better……. Im so sad………… it’s like my legs are ‘tai-ko’ le……. Went for a skin biopsy hopefully can find out what is the cause of this never ending bout of rashes which had been plaguing me for like 4 months……………………

Ok I better go get into the mood now to play chess with Mr Zhou

The End of A Chapter @ Paradise

Alrite, yes, yes, I am M.I.A for the longest time. IceQueen had been sick, seriously ill, for one whole week that is. Was on mc for 3 straight days with on-off fever and bad cough…… Fuck man, my taste bud literally died on me. Everything that I ate was tasteless and my head is so bloody heavy……. I HATE that feeling… but thank God that I’m fine now, finally.

Went down to Paradise for the last time today. They held their last party this evening before moving out. Quite a party, everyone was drinking and making merry. Of course, IceQueen din’t drink.. Can’t….. a lot of regulars went.. and I believe the 3 siblings who own that place will be very happy to receive such a turn out tonite :) very sad… after 13 years in that little island. They are moving out… temporarily, the boat house will move over to the other side of the island.. before moving (together with the bar) to ECP early next year. Heard that it will be a big scale renovation at ECP.. Anyway, anyhow, it was a last gathering/get-together for the regulars there tonite. Before the last party began, some fashion magazine was holding a party there as well… also there’s vball tournament today. So it was like mega a lot of ppl there today… been a long time since I last saw so many ppl at Paradise, it’s really a good day there.

It’s like the end of a chapter there… so much of sweat, ball, alcohol, fun and cards at Paradise. It had ended this very day. Hope that another new chapter will start, in another fashion at ECP when it is open…