Be Free

It’s a saturday, November 25, 2006.

I am here over-seeing the marina bay view from the 6-star hotel in Singapore. *Shioks* from the moment i stepped into the room, i was going like “wa -wa-wa” non stop.. the view from the 31st floor is really cool. even now as i am typing this line,..... Im looking at the esplanade... padang... the supreme court... nicoll highway.. *cool*

Wanted to spend some alone time... some time to clear my mind...

wonder what is he doing now... but does it matter? that’s not the objecive of me being here tonight.

TRUST
why is it so hard to trust a person? why is it so hard to put that 100% trust in that someone whom you care most of? because i had been failed too many times. because i knew too much. the amount of suffering and pain in which im going through because there is no trust is making me go crazy....

RESERVATION
why is it that after so long into this shit relationship, that he is still telling me that he has reservations? what fuck reservations are there? is it really so difficult to just put your heart and soul and committment into this? not unless i am not the one he is looking for.

PRESSURE
will there be additional pressure if this “underground relationship” is exposed? What pressure will there be? Or are they just self-inflicted pressure which are in fact non-existence.

DENIAL
something in which one will never admit that he/she is in. it’s a form of escape...

TAMED TIGER
he told me that he is a tamed tiger now, which he had lost most of it’s teeth... sometimes he wonder, if there is this someone who sends me to him, to tame him. He assured me that he is tamed and that i should start to believe that he is true to me.............

Fireburn made a comment just now about how time flies, one year after another year.. it’s just less than 2 months away from year 2007.

*Flashback*
year 2005 when i first knew him........ one year on... and counting.. im pretty amazed as to how time flies and I had actually tolerated all the shit for more than one year. thinking back of all the things we had done.. all the tears I shed.. all the misery and pain..... the question of whether is it all worthwhile is still not answered, till today. perhaps there’ll never be an answer to this question. or will there be.. im beginning to feel so tired.. so tired of having to guess and distrust a person. at one point, i really do feel like giving up.. but i guess it’s all fated.. it was at the point where i felt most like giving up, he lend me a hand and assured me the best, the high and the sky... but he failed me... i was beaten flat...... i was hurt.. but i gave him yet another of the so many chances i had given through the time i had known him. till today i’m still feeling hurt.. but what can i do? to walk out of this? am i being fair to him if i were to do that? people may think that i am the dumbest person ever to live in this world, having to give him the world of chances and him failing me and taking all the chances for granted. and here I am, still there for him.

why am i hurting myself, my heart, my soul?

imagine you are holding a cup of hot tea. and so you continue to pour tea into the cup and it overflows. How would you feel?

*Pain*

What would you do?

*Let go of the cup*

that’s what Fireburn and Pistachio had been telling me from day 1. you will know when to let go.. you will know when the pain is too much for you to take.. and that is when you will let go.

Im just feeling very tired.. so tired of all the thinking.. all the wild imagination...

i just want to free my mind of all these.. even if it’s just for a night.. i’m glad.....

*wonder how long more I can hold on*

BE FREE.............

KNN

KNN

What a fucked up week I had in office. All those mutherfuckers idiots who owe $$ out there and try to act yaya listen up ok! Fuck you, understand! You think by anyhow cursing and swearing at low-rank officers like lao niang me is going to bring me down???? Use your stinky ass to think again ok! The answer is NO!

Fuckers, never heard or seen this before huh??? O$P$ ok!! Jan-mutherfucker-sen T.e.o., FUCK YOU! Owe fucking $30K still yaya think all the foolish xelox slaves must listen to you??? And do whatever fuck you want us to do for you?? And allow you to pay whatever fuck amount you want to pay????? Fuck you! Call the bloody whole wide world and complain say I rude when that mutherucker cursed me to die first???????????? What the fuck? I pray for you, old man. I pray that if you have children, they will not be cursed by some stinking old man like yourself! And worse, my LJ good for nothing, only know how to boast, with the gift of gap boss go fucking apologize to that mutherfucker like a dog! So by apologizing means lao niang me is wrong???? Who is the fuck who raise voice first? Husband and wife sama sama! Wa lau eh the more I think the more tulan I get. Owe $$$$ still think he damn big fuck lor! How on earth can this happen??? Old man, what goes around, comes around ok. Bet you idiot had never heard of it la, no wonder you love to curse ppl, and poke fun of the dead souls. Retribution will come knocking on your door one day.

But never mind. I’m just going to rant and forget about it. It’s just a fucking job. I want the money, not your praise. I dun need you to say thank you. I just want to live my life.

Today... Strange

Something peculiar happened to me today.

Random thoughts were going thru my tiny brain this morning while traveling to work.. the train was approaching clementi station and passed by some HDB flats.. An old friend of mine came to my mind and was just wondering how is he. Despite having a horrible ending to our friendship years ago whille we were in uni. I still plucked up the courage and dropped him a sms jus asking how is he, in hope that he din’t change his hp number. I was thinking fuck it. He shouldn’t be that ‘small air’ afterall. We can still be friends. And in any case, the reason why the friendship ended wasn’t one that was explosive… not something which had gone horribly wrong… Then in the afternoon, I got his missed call.. I din’t call back, but instead I dropped him another sms.. saying sorry that I missed his call because I was in a meeting and in case he’s thinking who I am, I told him my name……

*beep*

the reply came. I put down my work and quickly depress the tiny button on my hp to read the message. Now I wished I had never read that….

“I am sorry. I returned the call only because I thought it was from a customer”

*shocked*

I seriously did not expect that kind of reply from it. No matter what we had been very close frenz and it’s been so many years… it’s time to move on and be open about things isn’t it??? Gosh………. Why can there be such heartless man on earth? I mean no harm, I just wanna say hi…. I dun expect anything out of this…. But looks like I’m misunderstood, AGAIN.

What the heck.


Went Queensway with Jeepo after my 1-3-5 session at my new found playground at Moulmein. So we were browsing through some pouches and bags in a unique store which carries high-end mountaineering backpacks and shit… there were 4 men in the store.. the boss.. the assistant and 2 frenz… one of the frenz was playing pac-man on the computer with back facing us… so of the 4 I can only see 3 faces, and I cant see pac-man. In my heart I’m already thinking, this fellow must be a joker… we are living in year 2006 le lor, still got ppl play pac-man meh????????????? Never mind…. After chatting with the boss, the boss told us to feel free in the shop while they go out for a smoke break.. just as they were coming back in, I realized that the pac-man looks SUPER familiar. And as he walks nearer… we looked at each other giving that ‘I think I know you’ look… and guess wad??? He’s my primary school lover’s friend! The last time we met was like 10 years ago?? And he REMEMBERED my name lor!!!! And being the bird brain me…. I totally forgotten his…..*embarrassed* exchange numbers and all…………

It’s like such an ironic day for me.

There’s someone whom I wanted to make friend with back again but was rejected straight in my face. But instead I met someone who remembered me and yet I had never expect to meet!

Sometimes in life, we have no control over what is and what is not going to happen. Just remember to be kind… what goes around will come back and haunt you.. but fuck, how to be kind when I’m a legalized credit agent?? Maybe I should say, learn to be kind…

p.s. the wallnut vs pistachio entry is coming soon.. stay tuned....

Revenge

I’m in the mood for revenge.

Duno why over the past couple of weeks, I just feel so sad for myself.. having gone through so much hurt and pain and still hanging on. I begin to question myself if it is all worthwhile. But yet again, who will own the best scale in this world to measure and decide what is worthwhile and what is not. The scale is either your heart or your mind. Some people are practical… they use their mind… some, like me are emotional, uses their heart… subconsciously I had been pricking and hurting… I know it is bad to go on like this… but that is my only outlet.. my only way of protesting.. my only way of revenge. There is no remorse in the aftermath… am I numb? In fact, I feel exhilaration from having to see the anger and frustration. I will laugh in my heart and tell myself: “now you know how it feels” but being a plain idiotic numb skull.. I guess the impact isn’t that great afterall…. Am I going overboard? I’m beginning to feel I am wasting my time.. day by day… I am missing a chance…… suddenly I just feel so sick and tired of this person….. because I can’t see or feel the real soul beneath the skin.. I guess my ‘forever feeling insecure’ heart is playing tricks on me again..

I duno how to trust a person….. I was telling him, that is because I know too much….. and I finally understand the true meaning of “ignorance is bliss”. Maybe I’m just scared, I’m so afraid that I’ll be the next victim.. perhaps I’m already a victim in the making… I’m so afraid of getting hurt again… He asked me does it mean that once a person erred, there’ no way or chance that he’ll repent? I feel like telling him, a leopard will never change its spots…… One fine day, I know, I jolly well know it will all come back and haunt me… am I ready for that? The fear in me is building up….. and it is beginning to control me… how long can this last? How long can he last? How long can I last?

Should I go? Should I leave in search for the ‘right one’? even there’ll never be a right one, I may be better off alone… so many people had told me that…. And I’m just living in denial… he asked me…..when is this revenge thing going to stop? I duno…. All I can say is that my weighing scale is seriously lope-sided….. and I’ve got no freaking idea how to place it back in balance…… why am I so dumb?

Till the day I find that balance in my heart…….. I’m still suffering in pain… and fear….

p.s spinnee… thanks for remembering my bday, so sweet of you :) *hugs*