Revenge

I’m in the mood for revenge.

Duno why over the past couple of weeks, I just feel so sad for myself.. having gone through so much hurt and pain and still hanging on. I begin to question myself if it is all worthwhile. But yet again, who will own the best scale in this world to measure and decide what is worthwhile and what is not. The scale is either your heart or your mind. Some people are practical… they use their mind… some, like me are emotional, uses their heart… subconsciously I had been pricking and hurting… I know it is bad to go on like this… but that is my only outlet.. my only way of protesting.. my only way of revenge. There is no remorse in the aftermath… am I numb? In fact, I feel exhilaration from having to see the anger and frustration. I will laugh in my heart and tell myself: “now you know how it feels” but being a plain idiotic numb skull.. I guess the impact isn’t that great afterall…. Am I going overboard? I’m beginning to feel I am wasting my time.. day by day… I am missing a chance…… suddenly I just feel so sick and tired of this person….. because I can’t see or feel the real soul beneath the skin.. I guess my ‘forever feeling insecure’ heart is playing tricks on me again..

I duno how to trust a person….. I was telling him, that is because I know too much….. and I finally understand the true meaning of “ignorance is bliss”. Maybe I’m just scared, I’m so afraid that I’ll be the next victim.. perhaps I’m already a victim in the making… I’m so afraid of getting hurt again… He asked me does it mean that once a person erred, there’ no way or chance that he’ll repent? I feel like telling him, a leopard will never change its spots…… One fine day, I know, I jolly well know it will all come back and haunt me… am I ready for that? The fear in me is building up….. and it is beginning to control me… how long can this last? How long can he last? How long can I last?

Should I go? Should I leave in search for the ‘right one’? even there’ll never be a right one, I may be better off alone… so many people had told me that…. And I’m just living in denial… he asked me…..when is this revenge thing going to stop? I duno…. All I can say is that my weighing scale is seriously lope-sided….. and I’ve got no freaking idea how to place it back in balance…… why am I so dumb?

Till the day I find that balance in my heart…….. I’m still suffering in pain… and fear….

p.s spinnee… thanks for remembering my bday, so sweet of you :) *hugs*