Low

I’m Drowning

Barely a week and I’m already feeling drained. Fuck.

Is it the industry’s fault or is it company specific? Gosh… there is no day and no night. Work like a dog.

It is not money not enough, it is Time and 精神 not enough!

Feeling really quite stressed up. The learning curve is uber steep for an idiot like me, whom had wasted time and youth at foolish xelox learning NOTHING. Now, it is start from scratch. Everyday is like doing project. Must research then write up. It seems like I’m like a student once again. The worst thing is the write up must be super duper comprehensive, exhaustive, detailed, up to expectations and readable. How? You tell me.

Must do and re-do drafts for lion king to vet, while ‘getting it’ from her. I am starting to prep my poor little soul for my first session with her. Sure jialat jialat one. Sigh…..

There is no honeymoon. There are only deadlines and hounding and pounding from the Lion herd and lots and lots of unfinished work to be done.

Yes, my small brain is not enough to contain all this stress and information overload. Looks like my weekend will be burnt! Arghhhhhh.. die die got to bring work home to do, if not how to ‘pass-up’ draft to lion king on Thursday?????????

BUT

The consoling part is that when I feel helpless and lost, I encourage myself by keep repeating in my heart and mind that I CAN DO IT! It takes time, it is only the beginning. The toughest part will be over in a few months’ time. After all, learning is part of my self-determined package for this job. And I promise myself that I will do my best.

May God be with me through the tough times ahead, I know He will…….

The Reign of the Lion King

Oh well, it’s my second day at my new workplace. Many thoughts run through my mind the whole day.

To start with, I think I am suffering from anxiety attack or some funky stress syndrome. I couldn’t get to sleep for the past 3 nights. I just keep flipping like a dying fish on the bed, craving for desired sleep but couldn’t. Damn. The image of the Lion King and what I perceived will happen keep appearing and re-appearing in my mind continuously. Thoughts about whether have I done the right thing, behaved the right way keep flashing in my brain over and over again. Is this normal? Or am I just being paranoid? Well, I guess after a couple of failed attempts, I’m extremely conscious of my every move. But heck, deep down, it’s telling me to be myself. However I know it will be hard as my workplace is such a fake place, how can we reveal real and true feelings? For those who do that will be fools.

Been reading through pages and pages of guidelines, protocols, compliance reading materials, policies etc etc etc. one million and one tests to take (and must pass). A zillion and one things on the intranet to look through. A gazillion number of passwords to remember!!! Can you imagine that someone working for a few years in the company has to write down his passwords, if not will definitely forget. Login password, email password, messaging password, systems(many many) password, intranet password, Arghhhhh..

Good thing is, everything on the intranet is very interactive and interesting to read and find out more about. Everything little thing is documented, can’t go wrong. Just follow law. Security is Number One. Very efficient, everything set up swee swee on my first day, including name tag to be put on my desk… stationery..table clean clean..systems set-up..name in the phone list and directory..computer turned on for me even! Basically it’s everything but my bank account and atm card. Hahahahahaha. That’s pretty impressive actually. Given the scale of its operations and how efficient things are. If it’s at foolish xelox, man……… system alone takes 3 months.. email takes a week.. name tag takes another two weeks… waiting game..
Bad thing is, what if you miss out anything??? Man………. Can’t imagine…

Had lunch (reluctantly) with Lion King, to some viet café. I know I do not have a choice as it is part of induction…tomolo having team lunch.. (again reluctantly) – you know I hate all these wayang shit. Back to the viet café, 1st of all, it is uber duper smelly! And I smelt like Vietnamese noodles the whole afternoon!! Gosh. I hate all that smell!!!! 2nd of all, I do not have common topic to talk with her about.. it’s a torture to face someone for 1.5 hours not knowing what to talk about freely. So I started interviewing her about her family, her kid.. her life……… and I made blunders. Try to smart act. TMD in the end the Lion King is smarter. So paiseh. There were so many awkward silences.. awkward stares into blank space.. arghhhhhhh.. at the end of day, 2 words: NO CHEMISTRY. Ah fuck, no chemistry in senseless talk cok session is ok, but MUST have chemistry in work!

I’m being tucked at one corner of the office, far far away from the rest of the team. Good and bad I supposed.. good is, far from the claws of Lion King, so it’s harder for her to hound and pound at me. Bad is the wall and compacters are my only friends. Man… no one to bloody talk to. Only through messaging. No communication with my other team members. But yet again, the office is so so quiet that even a pin drop also very LOUD, let alone talking. Verdict: uncertain. As much as I wanna be open and friendly, this arrangement somehow doesn’t allow that to happen. Is it fated? Fated that I have to be a lone ranger in my work life FOREVER???

Tomolo, I will be having a 1st one-to-one session with Lion King. She will be briefing me on work, jobscope and stuff… 2 grueling hours..

Damn. I think I will start to roar instead of speak if I continue to see and talk to her everyday.

3 weeks? 3 months.........

It’s a tough decision. But somehow I made that decision, with my heart feeling a little disappointed though.

I kinda traded 3 weeks for 3 months.

Time: 1145am.
Place: Dental clinic @ Paragon
After looking at my teeth, my orthodontist told me that he is 99% satisfied with my teeth and that I will be able to remove my braces in 3 weeks’ time. In my heart, I was delighted. But I asked him, what is the 1% that he is not satisfied. To be honest deep down, I knew what it is but just to be sure, I asked him. He asked me back the same question. What do I think is the 1%. I replied: “my 2 front teeth”.

“Yes” was the answer.

I had told my orthodontist last month that I noticed that my two front teeth wasn’t flat against each other. In other words, I can see that one front tooth is slightly in front of the other. Just a teeny weeny bit. But it is enough for me to feel conscious about. This is due to the unevenness of my 2 teeth. Thus, I feel that one tooth is slightly in front of the other.

He told me that he can do something about the situation. Just to try it out. To camouflage the effect by pushing one of the teeth further in. the downside: it takes time, at least 3 months that is.

It’s a tough choice.

On one hand, I kinda had enough of my bracie days. Had enough of the feeling of food stucked in my teeth, had enough of feeling embarrassed over me spitting my saliva every time I talk etc. on the other hand, I am conscious about the little ‘defect’. No matter what I had spent $$ and time on this whole treatment. It had been 13 months. Effectively, the whole treatment could have ended in 14 months. But I made the call to prolong it to 16 months (or maybe a little lesser).

Then I calm down and heard an inner voice told me that, I had spent a year on this, what’s another 3 months? It’s not as if it’s going to take 3 years. I had spent so much $$ on this treatment. At the end of the day, what is my goal? To have perfect straight-looking teeth. So that I can flash a beautiful pearlie white smile to people. With the little defect, I know that it’s like a little knot in my heart.

Then I told my orthodontist to go ahead and do the adjustments.

He assured me that within 3 months, he will be able to tell him my front teeth is responsive and thus make the final call when I can remove my braces. Which I am happy. In any case, end Sep is the date he told me.

When I left the clinic, my heart felt a little heavy. The demons are fighting again. I do not know if I had made the right choice. Afterall, he can’t promise me that the adjustments will make wonder. It is a risk that I choose to take. The result could end up the same as yesterday. = back to square one. Then I would have wasted 3 months.

Fuck it.

I am home and it is done. At the end of the day I told myself that if I’m not happy, next month I will just go back to him and tell him that I can live with the ‘defect’ for the rest of my life, remove the braces. Period.

For now, I can only pray that my little fren will be co-operative and start to twist a little very quickly. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Boring

I’m such a boring person.

Ha isn’t it funny that I suddenly realized this only after 26 years?? How ironic. But you know wad? It gives new meaning to the phrase “ birds of the same feather flocked together” it is really true. Boring people will always stick with the boring people and the fun idiots will glue together with those fun-loving animals.

Is it the way we are brought up? Family nurtured values? Friends we meet right from primary 1 that makes all the difference? Fuck. I must be very very unlucky to have met all the nerdy turds in school last time. Hahahahaha. Where’s all the fun? I’m supposed to be in the years where I have the most energy, the most aspirations and dreams. What have I done and achieved so far?

Nothing. What a loser.

Oh ya not to mention the boring blog entries i write. no pictures, only words........ man what a failure.

Out of Jail

I’m a free bird. Free from the clutches of the devilish culture. Perhaps I’m going into another realm, something worse than ever. But I tell myself that I am all ready for it.

The smell of freedom is so bloody sweet. I’m enjoying every little sniffy.

To all the turds still caged in the jailhouse, good luck. You just don’t know that you are destroying your mind, soul and inner peace slowly. The place will only bring out the devil in your heart, in your mind. You will only learn how to plot against one another. You lose sight and understanding of the word “harmony” / “peace”.

"Patience, Persistence and Perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success" - OPS

~VaioBaby~

Yippee!! I finally had my new toy up and running. :)

It suddenly dawned on me that it’s not a cheap investment afterall. TMD. Spent $$ liao then complain many many. Hahaha. It was after I went through the bills that I realized I had burnt a hole my pocket. LOL. What the heck. Now I am savoring every letter and alphabet I’m typing into this entry! Value for Money!!

It’s a nice and suave looking piece of gadget.

So far so good. But it’s only the beginning. Better touch wood. *Touch Wood*

My problem so far was the stoopz wireless connection.

Time: 10pm. After an hour on the line with a Philippines guy by the name of Tony , problem still not resolved. So guess what? It’s finger pointing time! So the ball’s in Starhub’s court. Citing that it’s the modem which is faulty.

Time: 1030pm.After another 30min on the line with Starhub ah neh, it was certified that the Motorola modem was working perfectly fine.

Time: 1145pm.Finally ended the call with a lady by the name of Chicky. (yes, it’s durh, but it’s true.) and my wireless connection is finally working.

After almost 3 hours, 3 phone calls, at least 7 rebooting of my lappie and countless connecting and disconnecting of cables. I finally got the wireless connection up and running. Feeling excited and wanted to chat with everyone online, but damn! No one’s online. !@#$%%^^%$#@!

Basically I spent the whole of my Sunday playing with my vaiobaby. Hahaha. Managed to get everything installed and downloaded.. all my favourite websites… settings and vaiobaby is all ready to go!!

*ROARzzz*

Home is Hell

It seems that history is repeating itself. It happened 5 years ago and I feel like it is happening again.

Why is it that family problems is the number one issue in every of my relationship? 5 years ago was the irritating Vietnamese nephew. Now, is the most horribly naughty little boy I had ever met in my life. The thing in common is that they are causing the frequent quarrels between my bf and me. But most importantly, it seriously raised questions on how I can continue on with the relationship. All the incidents that happened reflected and showed how a man and his family deal with problems, and I personally think is disgusting. Not that I brag that I can teach a child to be good natured or well behaved. But, the fact remains that love education do not always work. And by barking like a mad dog with no bite in front of the child is useless. Let alone giving in to the child on every every every thing.

What’s the point of holding the cane to scare the child when you don’t have the heart to hit? Throw it away!! One time? Two times? Three times, the child will think that you are just dancing in front of him. So will he behave the next time??? The answer is NO!

What’s the point of keep using your mouth and say, cannot do this cannot do that, if you do this I will bring you to the doc and let the doc give you injections?? If you do that I will whip out the plasters and stick it on your face??? One time? Two times? Three times, the child will think you are singing a lullaby. So will he be well mannered?? The answer is NO!

Seriously I had never seen or known a child as naughty and ill mannered as this one. Not even my nephew. I used to think that my nephew was naughty who at times refused to ‘call” me when I go home. Boy, I was wrong. After my scoldings and hitting (for hitting adults), he learnt that he should be well-behaved. Or at least when we, adults, ask him to do certain things, he will obey. Talk about the one at cck??? My gosh.

I feel that my heart is at the cross-roads. Deep down I truly understand and strongly believe that that is the way a man will behave in time to come. People always say that look at how your man treats his family. That is exactly the way he will treat you in future. I HATE to go back to a house of QUARRELS, SHOUTING, you shouldn’t do this shouldn’t do that etc. even in my own house, with my family, I also cannot take it cannot stand it. I just want peace and harmony when I step into the place I call HOME. And not feel like I had stepped into a MENTAL HOSPITAL where all the siao lang shout here and there!


Things that he do :

1) Gyin and Siong people (including his own parents)
2) Open the fridge door a million times a day
3) Open the kitchen drawers and throw everything on the floor
4) Take things without permission or asking
5) Loves to take money on the table
6) Do not acknowledge people when at home or reach home
7) Hit adults when buay song.
8) Loves to pester the adults to go and buy tidbits.
9) Must eat tidbits EVERYDAY b4 meal
10) Must have whatever an adult is eating or taking or holding.
11) Loves to do things on purpose, if you don’t like it, he loves to do it.

Things that the adults do in response to the above:

1) keep saying that they will whip out the plaster and paste his eyes
2) keep saying “don’t open, there is nothing inside”
3) no response and quietly pack everything back into the drawer when he is done with the mess he created
4) no response, occasional will say “cannot take huh”
5) no response, “your money is my money mentality”
6) no response, never even teach or ask the child to acknowledge people. COMPLETELY no manners!
7) no response, and allow the hitting to continue until the child is song and will still pacify him by saying “okay la okay la”
8) will adhere to the child’s request and go and buy, if never go and buy, SURE to give him something at home to eat to pacify him
9) will give in to him and let him have his lethal dose of EVERYDAY junk food.
10) Will give in and give whatever the adult is eating to him, unless it’s meat. Otherwise, he will have a share of it.
11) No response and let him be


I give up.

Living in Harmony

People always say that it isn’t easy to live together in harmony. Is it really true?

Deep down I know that I’m not an easy person to live with. But how difficult exactly am I? If I can write this, the situation is getting bad. It seems that I myself isn’t able to get out of the web I got myself entangled into. I’m such an opinionated person. So stubborn. Things that I “kan bu shun yan” really irks me. I’m like stucked in this self emotional web, unable to get out. On one hand, I know that sometimes my behavior and attitude isn’t the most acceptable to the general mass. On the other I couldn’t help myself but to react in a certain set of beliefs. And I know that there can be no one to teach me what to do. Only God’s grace can pull me through.

What am I suppose to do? I’m so lost.

Sometimes it seems that I can forsee the future and I know that this will bring about pain and suffering in time to come. And I so wish to stop this from happening. But I’m weak and I do not have the heart to do so.

What am I suppose to do? I’m so lost.

My Dream

What is your dream?

What would you do if you have a million dollars?

Mine is to lead a carefree life and travel around the world. I want to go to as many countries as possible in my lifetime. Go to the beautiful places that mother earth can offer. I always get so envious when my friends go travel to exotic places. Because I want to go there too! That’s probably the reason why I like watching programmes on discovery travel and living. Perhaps, subconsciously I think since I cant go there in person, to see it on tv is better than nothing. Ha!

Places I had been:
1. Bangkok – Thailand
2. Phuket – Thailand
3. Lake Toba – Indonesia
4. Bali - Indonesia
5. Genting Highlands – Malaysia
6. Desaru – Malaysia
7. Johannesburg – South Africa
8. California – United States
9. Las Vegas – United States
10. Hong Kong

Places I would love to go:
1. Cape Town – South Africa
2. New York – United States
3. Bahamas
4. Caribbean
5. Brazil
6. Barcelona – Spain
7. Rome - Italy
8. Venice – Italy
9. Milan – Italy
10. Vatican City – Italy
11. Florence - Italy
12. Paris – France
13. London – England
14. Monte Carlo – Monaco
15. Prague – Czech Republic
16. Copenhagen - Denmark
17. Alaska
18. Cairo – Egypt
19. Finland (I wanna see the Aurora Borealis – the Northern Lights!)
20. Maldives
21. Fiji Islands
22. Tokyo – Japan
23. Hokkaido – Japan
24. Melbourne – Australia
25. Himalayas – Nepal
And many many more…………………

When will I realize my dream, this little dream that I have ever since I’m a child.

Maybe I should ask, when will I ever earn enough money to travel around the world?

Sigh

Planning a trip to Italy next year.. not to the cities. should be exciting. Yippeeeee!!