~This is a hard piece to write. Hard because I could say this to you in person, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way. I was about to say something last week, but hesitated because the conversation became too heated over this very reason: if not said properly, it can come out very ugly, and taken the wrong way. So I'll write it here, and when you do get to read this, hopefully you can understand where I'm coming from.
I miss you. I miss the REAL you. It made me so sad . I've known you for about 10 years now; I watched you grow up, just as you watched me grow up. We went through so many things together. You saw me stray all the time back in high school, always shaking your head at me, just as I saw you worked your ass off in studies.I was total opposite of you but we still clicked. I was irrational, overly-playful and reckless, whereas you were always level headed and knew exactly wads right/wrong at the right time. How we managed to stay friends, even though we went in very different directions, still astounds me. But we are still friends, and very good friends at that.
But the girl I know today is not that girl. The girl I heard was so insecure inside herself, and this was heartbreaking to see. The girl I know now is miserable; gone is that charming smile that could win almost anyone over; the confidence sripped bare, and all your insecurities showing, unmasked in all it's glory.
I miss you. I miss the confident you. I know it's still there, lurking underneath all the stress, sleepless nights, and constant tears. It's dying to get out, I know that. And you and I both know how you can be happy. And yet you're sacrificing your happiness for this cause, hoping everything will turn out ok. But sweetie, this has been going on for years. And I don't think you understand, or realise how much it hurts everyone around you especially me to see you torture yourself so - even if it's for someone else.
Sometimes there's only so much you can do to help. Sometimes people won't change, because they don't want to or they just can't. And if that's the case, then you're hanging onto a false dream. There have been so many chances given. And everytime you are hurt, or disappointed, or upset, or just plain exhausted, it hurts us: the people who truly loves you.
And everytime you turn to me, wanting advice, we both know our advice falls on deaf ears. And at times you take my advice too personally. Which is why sometimes I can't tell you my true honest opinion. But the drama btw us these few weeks really tore at my heart strings. I don't want to see you sad. I don't want to see you torture yourself like this anymore. I don't want to see you cry time and again over the same thing. The girl I grew up with would never have let this trample over her like this. And I wish you could find the strength inside you to get out of this mess.
By the time you read this, you can vilify me if you want, and scream and yell as much as you please. But, if you are in a better situation by that time, then I will be OK with that. I really only want you to be truely happy and contented. And if you're not, and you're still in the same situation and things have not changed, i'll do ANYTHING else that is needed to get you back on ur feet.
I love you, and I only want what's best for you. Remember, the world doesn't end if this doesn't work out, ok? At the end of the day, you are still surrounded by many people who love you, who will support you, and always will~
The above was written by someone close to me...my pillar of strength.. it honestly brought me to tears when i read it.. Why? It really describes in every fair bit of how I am feeling....Sometimes i really wish that life could be simpler, without over-expectations.. Deep down I know that is not possible. Reading through the lines.. every word just pierce through my heart.. and trigger my tear gland.. Tears just roll down my cheeks.. My heart just feel so sour.. I felt like I had let someone down, someone who knows the REAL me down... Why and how could I do it?
I hate myself, for being an idiot, an insecure freak who causes pain and suffering to people around. But who really knows and understands that I am just trying to be a nicer person, to be a lovable person, to be a someone in one's life who will make a difference. Is it all so difficult? Yes.. i's failed.. in a terrible manner....... What should I do?
The emotions hidden in every word and sentence is simply over-whelming.. and only the ones involved can feel it.. That's ME and YOU. It's so piercing that it hurts, so badly.. I know you meant well, I really do.. But I feel so weak.. after all the trauma in my life.. with unexpected medical conditions..funky family problems..work shit..financial woes....relationship problems....Despite it all, what truly upsets me is having a bad day with my best fren...
I'm sorry I'd let you down for being a weakling..
Please forgive me.
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